He's Just Not That Into You...But I Still Want To Be In You...

Last night, 3 of my male friends and I went and saw this movie. Granted it can be classified as a "chick flick," but there was something intriguing about it. Now I've never read the book, but it turns out it was written by that guy who I consistently confuse with Ty Pennington. I went in to this movie with high expectations for 2 reasons...

1. I'm a sucker for a decent trailer with attractive women (i.e. the reason why I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2)...




&

2. I was hoping this movie would sway women away from the belief that if a guy is mean to you, that just means he likes you...(I always thought Dyslexia was a learning disability, not a common charateristic of women)

That's a tall order for a 2 hour movie, and even tho it came close, in the end it failed. Instead of taking the route to help women's dating desicions, the producers of this movie decided to bank, which they will, trust me. This movie is going to get theater seats wetter than the seats at Snake River Falls at Cedar Point, true story. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but the experience was even more entertaining. Im not a fan of people commenting during a film (reason I waited till all the Friday movies came out on DVD), but in this case, it made the film more enjoyable.

The theater was packed with women of all ages, and since my friends and I made up about 2% of the audience, the odds of us appearing sensitive and possibly meeting a few young hunnies were quite good. My decision to wear and pink shirt while texting on my new Blackberry Storm w/ a hard pink case may have put me at a bit of a disadvantage. But one thing I noticed was not only was the movie displaying many of the differences between men and women, but the audience there also showcased many examples of how different men and women really are. And I should clairify that some of the following can be considered *Spoiler Alerts*

Example #1

When Bradley Cooper aka "Zach-Master's" character cheats on his wife with Scarlett Johansson...

Women's Response: "Asshole"

Men's response: "Awesome"

Example #2

When Bradely Cooper's character is hooking up with Scarlett Johansson in his office, and hides her in his closet shorty after his wife, Jennifer Connelly, interupts...

Women's Response : "Oh my God!" (Said with a tone that they were hoping he was going to get caught)

Men's Repsonse: "Oh my God!" (Said with a tone suggesting the hopes that Zach-Master might be able to pull off a 3-way)

Example #3

When Ginnifer Goodwin's character describes to Justin Long's character that her craziness is only a sign that she closer than him to actually finding the special someone...

Women's Response: "You go girl!"

Men's Response: "This girl needs to go!"

Example #4

When Ben Afflect's character, after and hour and 45 minutes of putting up an amazing argeument against marriage, and in the last few minutes eventually caves...

Women's Response: "He's so sweet!"

Men's Response: "He's a fucking idiot!"

Example #5

Not in the movie, but still a great commercial that shows how different men and women are.




The only real problem I had a with this movie was when Ginnifer Goodwin's character was describing to her female co-workers all the "signs" she noticed that lead her to the conclusion that Justin Long's character was "in to her." (Even tho 2 scenes eariler he just got done telling her there are no signs, and if a guy REALLY liked her, he'd make it happen).

I don't agree that there aren't signs. For all you women out there, here is a quick crash coarse to help you see these "signs" more clearly.

Sign #1

If a guy is buying you drinks, and trying to get you really drunk...he's in to you.

Sign #2

If a guy is stairing more at your breast than your face...he's in to you.

Sign #3

If a guy is consistantly making suggestions that he wants you to come back to his place...he's in to you.

That's it! Now granted, if you get all these signs from a guy, it does not mean he wants to marry you. The only reason a guy actually WANTS to get married, is if he realizes that that woman he is with is the hottest he's ever going to get. Other than that, I agree with Ben Afflect's character (before he was castrated) that marriage isn't for everybody, it's only for women.

Water Bongs, Butt Sex, & Speedos

By now I'm sure everyone has scene the photo of Olympic Gold Medalist, Michael Phelps, enjoying a nice hit off a bong in South Carolina. The fact that this is causing such a stir is ridiculous. Lets be honest, he was not trying to get high, it's a simple training exercise for swimmers. Smoking large amounts of Marijuana can causes many symptoms including...

1. Frequent Trips to Taco Bell
2. Short Term Memory Loss
3. Reddening of the Eyes
4. Muscle Relaxation
5. Impairs Sperm Production (Awesome)

and most importantly...

6. COTTON MOUTH

Swimmers ARE encouraged to smoke for Christ sake, what else would make you want to stay in the water for 10 hours a day? Determination?! A competitive drive?! Fuck No!

The only solution is illegal drugs!

And now rumors are flying around that Phelps might lose sponsors, or possibly some of his Medals due to this photo?!

The media and the Government are so obsessed with our athletes using Performance Enhancing Drugs, they are now considering Weed a performance enhancing drug?! Who is smoking what now?!

Marijuana is NOT a Performance Enhancing Drug. It certainly doesn't enhance your performance in the bed room. You may think that getting high was a good idea, and last night was the best sexual experience you have ever had, but little do you realize you've only pumped twice in the past 5 minutes, and Doritos crumbs are slowly coming down your face.

*And just a short FYI, I spelled "coming" wrong and my Mozilla Firefox offered "cumming" as a solution.

Do these right-winged conservatives honestly believe Phelps was stoned when he won those 8 gold medals?! The only way Marijuana could be used as a Performance Enhancing Drug is if his coach had a Chicken Quesadilla and a big stack of brownies on each end of the pool. And if he did, that coach is a genius, and deserves his own medal.

They are also saying the State of South Carolina is trying to build a case against Phelps?! Even Obama has admitted to trying this new Performance Enhancing Drug...



Is someone going to try and build a trial against our new favorite President?! Fuck No!

The war on drugs is almost as useless as the war on terror. They are both highly publicized and both extremely disguised (and you must be high if you honestly believe they are serving the purpose your TV tells you they are).

Look, Phelps is just a young kid looking to have a good time. With the economy the way it is, everyone needs something to give them a good time.

I've got my own bail out plan to get us out of the economic hell hole, and fast (I want HBO and Shotime). The plan is 2 fold.

1. Legalize not only Marijuana, but all illegal drugs (and tax the shit out of it).

It will not only bring a HUGE surge to the economy, but also lower organize crime at the same time. And, as and added bonus, all the hardcore scary drug addicts will overdose with in the first week, making our nation less crowded, safer, and smarter. It's just like the Black Plague, instead it's a week long Black Party.

And 2...

2. Legalize Gay Marriages

Lets do the math.

1Q. What is the average cost of a wedding?

1A. $30,000

2Q. Whose idea is it to spend that kind of money on one day that doesn't involve gambling and strippers?

2A. WOMEN

3Q. What happens if 2 women/gay guys get married?
a. Whats $30,000 + $30,000 = ???

3A. A better economy than when Clinton was in office!

It is a known fact that as soon as Gay Marriage is legalized, that 13% of our population would skip out and get married as soon as possible (before Rush Limbaugh's anti-homo robots to stop them).

Obama promised change, and I'm sure as shit no one saw the change he promised in the form of Blunts and Butt Sex. But the more you think about it, it just kinda makes sense.