Marley, My Foot, & Me

I am Psychology Major. Not because I want to help people, but because it is the only profession that teaches you how to manipulate people, and prescribe drugs at the same time. I don't want to work with kids tho, hell no. That's to easy. Every child's psychological problems are caused by 2 things...

1. They are Ugly

or...

2. Shitty Parents

And we all know, if your ugly, your most likely also poor which mean no cure there, and with out shitty parents, or more specifically, shitty fathers, then eventually, many of the things that make this country so great would go extinct.

i.e. - Strippers, Prostitutes, Girls Gone Wild DVD's, Sororities...ect.

I will not be remembered as the guy that help kill those wonderful things. Instead, I have chosen to focus on either working with the Criminally Insane, or Relationship Therapy . Lets be honest, there is a very thin line between the 2.

I'm leading more towards the ladder more and more though. With the election of a Black President, and the Legalization of Marijuana soon to follow, organized crime and criminals will be far and few between. But with the economy in the state that it is in, people turn to sappy romantic comedies to make them selves feel better. And with a surplus in romantic comedies, a surplus in Bad Relationships and Online Dating Services are sure to follow. It's just simple economics really.

So with that kind of demand, and my innovative techniques, it would be stupid not to help those who hate their significant other, and been with each other so long they would rather pay thousands of dollars for therapy rather than break up. And I am more than happy to take their money and help them continue ruining each others lives.

Oh and what innovative techniques you say? Sure prescribing some Zoloft is easy, and fun. Any idiot can help you numb the pain, and ignore those voices you hear that you used to call friends that you constantly hear saying, "She's a bitch, Your an idiot, She's cheating on you, She made a move on me when you went to the bathroom."

No, no drugs. If you really want to cure a Bad Relationship, the cure is simple. A simple prescription that will not send you to the Drug Store, but rather to the Pet's Store. You simply walk in there and ask for their tiniest dog available, and your relationship is as good as saved.

Yes it is that easy. The science behind it is simple. Being in a Bad Relationship causes many symptoms, including...

Anger
Depression
Loss of Friends/Family
Loss of Money
Loss of Time
Diarrhea
Possible Pregnancy
Marriage
Jail Time (Even tho this one is almost the same as the one above)

All the pain and anger you feel towards your significant other that you cant unleash on them because some idiots in Washington got rid of the "Rule of Thumb" (Wikipedia that shit...trust me, it's worth it). So instead of bottling that anger up in side, or unleashing it on each other, and becoming someones bitch in prison, you take that aggression out on that tini-tiny little puppy.

Every Bad Relationship needs a dog, and lets be honest, with you out of the house now, your parents are just begging for something to take care of...

TP, Dodo Paper, & Shit Tickets

I live in a house with 6 other roommates, and 3 and 1/2 bathrooms. Lets break that down, that's 7 dudes, and 4 toilets. Toilet paper in our house has a higher monetary value than the dollar bill right now, true story. There was one point where there was one roll left in the entire house. So if you had to shit you had to run through the entire house like its the fucking Legends of the Hidden Temple, searching for "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman." That's a real one too, Wikipedia that shit.

So your running through the house with a Silver Snake about to come out, and you have to worry if one of the other roommates has to crap too. If another one does it's like running into a fucking Temple Guard, and you gotta barter with them so you can continue this magnificent quest of deification. You give him 2 Nattie Lights like there fucking Pendants of life. And you know your body is on a time limit too, I have never shit myself but I'm not going to lie, there have been some close calls. I've got the voices of Kirk Fogg and Olmec in my head taunting me that I'm not going to make it.

One time, I made it through every room, only to find an empty brown roll laying next to the toilet. I thought about it, but I didn't use it. I have more class than that. Instead, after I finished, I turned on the Shower and went Spread Eagle, or pulled apart my Purple Parrots so it fits my previous 90's Nickelodeon metaphor. If that story doesn't ruin your childhood memories, I don't know what will.