Water Bongs, Butt Sex, & Speedos

By now I'm sure everyone has scene the photo of Olympic Gold Medalist, Michael Phelps, enjoying a nice hit off a bong in South Carolina. The fact that this is causing such a stir is ridiculous. Lets be honest, he was not trying to get high, it's a simple training exercise for swimmers. Smoking large amounts of Marijuana can causes many symptoms including...

1. Frequent Trips to Taco Bell
2. Short Term Memory Loss
3. Reddening of the Eyes
4. Muscle Relaxation
5. Impairs Sperm Production (Awesome)

and most importantly...

6. COTTON MOUTH

Swimmers ARE encouraged to smoke for Christ sake, what else would make you want to stay in the water for 10 hours a day? Determination?! A competitive drive?! Fuck No!

The only solution is illegal drugs!

And now rumors are flying around that Phelps might lose sponsors, or possibly some of his Medals due to this photo?!

The media and the Government are so obsessed with our athletes using Performance Enhancing Drugs, they are now considering Weed a performance enhancing drug?! Who is smoking what now?!

Marijuana is NOT a Performance Enhancing Drug. It certainly doesn't enhance your performance in the bed room. You may think that getting high was a good idea, and last night was the best sexual experience you have ever had, but little do you realize you've only pumped twice in the past 5 minutes, and Doritos crumbs are slowly coming down your face.

*And just a short FYI, I spelled "coming" wrong and my Mozilla Firefox offered "cumming" as a solution.

Do these right-winged conservatives honestly believe Phelps was stoned when he won those 8 gold medals?! The only way Marijuana could be used as a Performance Enhancing Drug is if his coach had a Chicken Quesadilla and a big stack of brownies on each end of the pool. And if he did, that coach is a genius, and deserves his own medal.

They are also saying the State of South Carolina is trying to build a case against Phelps?! Even Obama has admitted to trying this new Performance Enhancing Drug...



Is someone going to try and build a trial against our new favorite President?! Fuck No!

The war on drugs is almost as useless as the war on terror. They are both highly publicized and both extremely disguised (and you must be high if you honestly believe they are serving the purpose your TV tells you they are).

Look, Phelps is just a young kid looking to have a good time. With the economy the way it is, everyone needs something to give them a good time.

I've got my own bail out plan to get us out of the economic hell hole, and fast (I want HBO and Shotime). The plan is 2 fold.

1. Legalize not only Marijuana, but all illegal drugs (and tax the shit out of it).

It will not only bring a HUGE surge to the economy, but also lower organize crime at the same time. And, as and added bonus, all the hardcore scary drug addicts will overdose with in the first week, making our nation less crowded, safer, and smarter. It's just like the Black Plague, instead it's a week long Black Party.

And 2...

2. Legalize Gay Marriages

Lets do the math.

1Q. What is the average cost of a wedding?

1A. $30,000

2Q. Whose idea is it to spend that kind of money on one day that doesn't involve gambling and strippers?

2A. WOMEN

3Q. What happens if 2 women/gay guys get married?
a. Whats $30,000 + $30,000 = ???

3A. A better economy than when Clinton was in office!

It is a known fact that as soon as Gay Marriage is legalized, that 13% of our population would skip out and get married as soon as possible (before Rush Limbaugh's anti-homo robots to stop them).

Obama promised change, and I'm sure as shit no one saw the change he promised in the form of Blunts and Butt Sex. But the more you think about it, it just kinda makes sense.